Dear Da Dad Dadda Daddy Dear,

I’m writing you this letter to try and make some things, some very important things, clear.   It won’t be easy for you to read, as it’s not easy for me to write.  However, like Nana always says “honesty is the key to a happy and loving relationship”. Therefore, I’m taking Nana’s advice and I’m going to do just that.

Before I begin saying what I need to say, I just want you to know that you are my Daddy and I’d never ever want another man to be my Daddy.  I love the way you make those silly noises that stop me being able to breathe due to laughter.  Or seeing the look on your face at 3am when I need my bum cleaned never fails to be hilarious.  If I wake you 30 minutes later needing a feed then boy, your funny muttering routine about lack of sleep sure does have me in stitches.  Most of all though, I love how you hold me in your big strong warm arms and tell me how special I am. You make me feel, happy, loved and safe.

Right, here it goes. A few days ago you took me to a Bonfire.  It was the first time I’d been out so late, it was cold, dark and I admit, it was a bit scary.  I’m not sure what you’d call it, I think I was attached to your chest by some sort of harness? Did it come with instructions? Any advice on dos and don’ts?

The harness was exciting at first. However, now don’t take this the wrong way Daddy, but when you were standing in a circle with your friends and I was dangling there… Do you have any idea how fucking boring you are?! Fuck me, if we were in a tandem parachute rather than a chest harness I would have pulled the fucking string as soon as your lips moved.  I was stuck to you Dad, it’s your silly fucking face that entertains me so why would I want to be attached to your front? My ears were being bombarded with talk of bollocks that I know nothing about – men actually run after big eggs? So and so hasn’t seen who gives a fuck for how long? And that man, asking me if I remember him? I’m barely two months old, you dozy cunt! And Dad, I don’t think anyone really gives a ferret’s foreskin how stiff or achy your body feels.

This is not the end, oh no. Wearing me like a badge was bad enough, boring the hairs off my baby soft arse was also bad.  But doing this with a beer in your hand? Had you lost your fucking marbles? Have you seen the size of you to me? If you fell, who would catch you? My cocking nappy can deal with most shitty situations but sometimes it’s just too much shit. Yes, you are the turd that’s way too fucking big for accidents.

You really should have been aware, I was on your chest farting on your belly for fucks sake.  Let me ask you something, when eating a burger, whose head are those crumbs falling on? The drips of drink fall and fly off to make babies? When you hug someone who gets a face full of Chav? Me, that’s who. Oh and when you want a piss? Fucking Nora, pull the release cord and pass me to, well, anyone who’s not pissing.

I know it sounds all bad, but it wasn’t. Hanging out with you Daddy was cool, really cool. I’d rather not have had to try and do the Exorcist head twist to see your silly fat face.  It would have been nice not to look like the scene in Alien too, it was Mum’s tummy I burst out of not yours! Fireworks are pretty, but again how loud do you think those fucking fire flyers sound to my little ears? Not to mention all the twatty whooping every time a rocket went off, if they like them that much why don’t they move to Palestine?  The cunting Israelis send whooping rockets as part of their daily meal routines.  It’s as everyday as farting over there, they’d be in heaven, or not!

Before I end, there’s just one more thing I must say.  Seeing the actual bonfire was amazing.  Daddy, thank you for getting to the front so I could feel the warmth and see the natural beauty of fire.  This is something that I’ll never forget, I’ll always remember my first bonfire with my Dadda.  Just so you know, when we got close and I was dancing about, do you remember saying to Mum, “Look how excited he is, he can’t keep still!”?  I wasn’t dancing Daddy, I really couldn’t keep still. Because I was being burnt to a fucking crisp, you mentally retarded twat dragon.  I’m positioned on your chest, you said “Oo It’s hot this bonfire, it’s burning my face!” No FUCKING WAY, FUCK REALLY?  MY FACE WAS CLOSER THAN YOURS, IF I WERE TO HAVE BEEN BORN WITH EYEBROWS I WOULD HAVE SAID SAYONARA TO THOSE HAIRY EYE HUMPS THAT NIGHT. YOU SHOULD HAVE STRAPPED MUM TO YOUR CHEST SO SHE COULD FLAME AWAY HER FACE PUBES THAT WE PRETEND NOT TO NOTICE! FUCK DAD, MY FACE WAS MELTING.

Anyway, I guess no harm was done in the end and I’ve now said what I wanted to say.  I hope I’ve not upset you too much, Daddy, it needed to be said for the sake of our family. I know you love me, Dadda, look how you chose me a Mum who has such big round pert breasts just to make sure I, your son, will never go hungry.  This sort of unselfish behaviour will enable me to grow up big and strong like you.

The one thing I really want you to do for me, if you can. Please go shopping Daddy and buy a fucking pram.

Your loving Son